


If Time Could Stand Still

by shinelikethestars



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cancer, Character Death, Comfort, Hospital, Hurt, M/M, Resentment, terminal illness, themes of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-12
Updated: 2013-05-12
Packaged: 2017-12-11 15:55:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/800475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinelikethestars/pseuds/shinelikethestars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Harry writes about what time he has left.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Time Could Stand Still

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this near the end of 2012 and never got around to posting what I had. I'm thinking that this will just be made into a four part or less ficlet. I'm also not familiar with treatments and all that ties with cancer or any terminal illness close to it. That's why I will only be vague with treatment options and anything incorporating with it. Please forgive me if I have anything that's incorrect with what I've written so far. If you could leave a kudo or a comment letting me know if you like it or not, that would be great. Have a nice day. ~shinelikethestars

One Direction was the greatest thing that could have happened to them, other than having each other. The band still performs, just not with them anymore. Over the two year span that Louis and Harry spent together they had a deep connection with each other. They always had to hide what they had from everyone. Their management, friends, family, and fans. They hated hiding who they were. They wanted to be accepted. Harry couldn’t bear the thought of hiding what he and Louis had any longer. What he did was the bravest thing anyone could have ever done. He came out to his management and the world. Not too many were as accepting as he thought they should’ve been though. He and Louis were forced to leave the band and start their lives over. Two months after it all happened, Harry was diagnosed with Cancer. The last few months of his life were pure hell. He had Louis by his side, but he didn’t know that going through it all would hurt that much.

Harry went to a psychologist once. Just to help him come to terms with with his diagnosis. She had told him to write down all the experiences he had from then on out. Both the good and bad times needed to be written, and that’s exactly what he did.

*Journal Entries*

  
February 2nd, 2012

  
Dear diary.. no, that’s not going to work. Dear journal, I don’t know what to be truly writing about in here, but here goes nothing.

 

February 3rd, 2012

  
I was recently diagnosed with cancer. I don’t remember what kind it is and Lou refuses to tell me. He says that I would just dwell on it if I knew which one it truly is. But I do know that it’s stage 4. Which means that I will have to leave Lou, on this Earth, all by himself. I wish I could stay here with him and keep away all the bad people, but I can’t. I just can’t.

  
February 4th, 2012

  
Louis took me to the doctor today. She said I need to have chemo done. She says it’ll prolong my life by a few months. For Louis, I’m willing to do anything. Instead of four months, I will have seven or eight. Life is as good as it can be right now.

  
February 13th, 2012

  
I feel absolutely terrible. I have a high fever, and everytime I try to eat, I throw up. There’s nothing I can do for it. It’s a symptom of my condition. Thankfully Louis is taking care of me. Speaking of him, Louis says that he has a surprise for me tomorrow. Hopefully, I’ll be feeling a bit better to see it.

  
February 15th, 2012

  
Yesterday was Valentine’s day. Remember how I said that Louis had a surprise for me? Well, he ended up taking me on a picnic under the stars, we rode a ferris wheel and kissed at the top. To top it all off, we cuddled together while watching romance films until we fell asleep in each other’s arms. It was a night of pure bliss.

  
February 25th, 2012

  
I start chemo today. I’m really nervous. I don’t want my hair to fall out...

  
H.

  
Louis tugged at Harry's hand, silently telling him to come along. Harry reluctantly followed, biting his lip while taking small steps down the white halls of the hospital. Today would be his first round of chemo. He wasn't thrilled to say the least, but he was only doing it for Louis. Just so he didn't have to be left behind for a little while longer.

  
He was filled with a mixture of emotions and thoughts. When would his hair fall out? Would Louis still love him if he went bald? Why did he have to be sick? The array of questions was too much for someone as young as him to ponder so he tried to push them away and follow Louis' lead to the room that he'd be staying in.

  
The doctor stopped in front of a white door with the number four hundred and thirty-two stamped across the top. It wasn't really inviting but when the doctor opened the door and allowed for the two boys to step in first, Harry's opinion changed immediately.

  
Inside the room, there was a vase with flowers and a window that gave entry to warm sunlight. The floor was laced with soft carpet and it resembled more of a home than a hospital room. The greatest part was the bed. It wasn't really a hospital bed, it was like a big, soft, blue chair that had pillows laced in what seemed to be in every crevice. The literal poison that would be pumped into his body, didn't feel like it was going to be that at all anymore.

It was nice, it was comforting. He didn't have that sick feeling that he once did. It was just relief that washed over him.

  
The doctor called for a nurse as Louis helped him get settled into the chair. Harry wasn't weak, yet, but he'd been feeling unsteady on his feet as of recent. Harry whispered a thank you to Louis before leaning back in the chair and shutting his eyes for a few moments. He felt a tinge of sleepiness come across him as he leaned further into the silky-soft pillows.

  
March 1st, 2012

  
Sorry I haven’t written in a few days. I had a bad reaction to the chemo and had to stay in the hospital for a few days. Lou wouldn't let me write or anything, just sleep. He only let me eat jello and drink small amounts of water. I wasn't really that upset at him for it because I knew he was only looking out for my best interest. But I guess the bad reaction I had kind of skewed my judgment so I guess I yelled at him? I don't know, that's what he told me on the ride home anyway. I'm currently in bed with a cup of tea next to me and writing(obviously). Lou says that if I'm going to write, then I at least have to stay in bed the remainder of the day. Is it wrong for me to say that I don't like him running my life like this?

  
L.

  
Harry is still laid up in bed as Louis sips on a cup of tea outside their door. He was sitting out there in case something happens. He would've sat next to Harry, but there was a feeling of tension in the air so, he thought it was best to leave Harry alone for a bit. Just keeping a safe distance while still being there for him.

  
It's been hard on him the past few days. Yes, Harry had it so much more worse than he'd ever be able to comprehend, but to watch it from the sidelines sucks. It sucks so much. He never thought that it'd hurt as bad as it did. Seeing Harry in the state that he was in, hurt. It was more than just hurt. It was an indescribable feeling that he felt no one would be able to understand no matter what they said.

  
Harry was still disoriented even after being discharged from the hospital. The doctors said that that was just a reaction from all of the medication that had been pumped into him. They said that within a day or so Harry would be back to his normal self. Well, as normal as life could be for him anyways. They also explained that even though Harry had the reaction that he did, he could still try agan one last time. If that didn't work then they could start him up on some experimental drugs and go from there. And as much as Louis would like to jump on the idea. It just doesn't seem plausible to try again. He didn't want to take his chances. Even though Harry was nowhere near leaving him on the twenty-fifth of February, it still felt all too real. He didn't want to experience the reality of his curly-haired, green-eyed boy leaving him behind. Not yet, not ever.

  
March 3rd, 2012

  
I apologize once again. Lou wanted me to rest some more. I don't resent him for it, as I've said before, but I've just been having a growing depression that doesn't want to leave. If he ever stumbles upon this journal after I'm gone. I think, I think that I would just want him to know that it wasn't his fault for my depression. It's mine for letting myself get this low not even that far into this neverending battle with my own body. I love him loads and I hope he knows that. If he doesn't then I'll be sure to remind him everyday. Well, I would love to write more but I'm getting tired and I think Lou is outside the door and I don't think he'd be very happy with me since I've been up this long without resting. I know sleep helps, or it should, but I just want to try to go through the motions while not losing myself through all of this. 'Til next time, Harry.

  
March 7th, 2012

  
Since the last time I've written, I wasn't doing so well but now I feel so much better. Lou let me get up and move around the day after I wrote in this last. He took me to a film and took me to dinner afterwards. It was such a nice time. I hope I have many more nice days like this to come. 

~Harry


End file.
